Saturday, May 30, 2009

Let's see if this works.... :-)

So..... I was thinking earlier... and I think it'd be fun to say. Anyone who comments on my blog before I see them at church, I'll give a great big hug!!!! ::laughs:: It might be to late.... but I miss ya'll so much! I like, never get to see you unless it's like a tournament, or Super Sunday. So..... let's see!!!

Good 'Ole Military Tactics

Now this story is hilarious. At first you'll start to cringe, but then you'll realize that yes, some people are really, "bone heads" when it comes to doing smart things.

Let us review-
That man with the lovely car, yes, his car. And he left his money in an open envelope in the back. Of his very nice CONVERTIBLE. That's just plain funny.

Then, the oh so amazingly awful holiday complaints. "They never said they would bite" And, "Too many Indians in India."

Finally, the utmost importance of the Canadian emergency rooms. Those all turn the tide of the normality of thinking while living a life, and destroy the ideology that you must be smart to have a job. This next one though, I think must take the cake. Enjoy...


Russian village hit by navy salvo during training

29 May, 02:36 PM

A Russian warship has accidentally fired a missile salvo at a little Russian village near St. Petersburg during military exercises, Russian website reports. The warship fired more than ten rockets, the attack resulting in a broken car window.

The village, named Pesochnoye, was attacked on Thursday at about 7.00 pm Moscow time, Russian website reports.

The reports were confirmed by the St. Petersburg naval base. A spokesman for the naval base said that the village had been accidentally attacked by a Baltic naval anti-submarine warship, which was holding military exercises in the Gulf of Finland.

According to the reports, the attack has neither done any harm to the civilian population, nor ruined any houses. The only damage reported was a broken car window.


Congrats Russia, glad we're allies....

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Sweet moment of the day......

While teaching...

Me: Just remember, for this Beethoven I can't be there every day you practice, so how are you going to work with it?

Student (Caleb Age 10): ::under breath:: Not that I'd mind...

Me: What?

Student: I said, not that I'd mind if you could be there every day.

::sighs:: I love teaching.... ::smiles::

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I seriously don't know why I keep coming back to puns......

But! I am, so, enjoy!! :-)

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,
a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

Maybe I should just write a story next time.... or did that not go over so well... :-)



Once again, don't forget to read my previous post if you haven't already, but, for now.... ::drum roll:: (Because I think most of you know that I'm pretty much the king of random)....

The science of determining psychological traits by examining a person’s shoes is scarpology.

There you have it.

Resume bloopers......

To honor all those hardworking citizens that have spent so many hours working on their inscrutable resume.... This is for you.... (And yes, all of these are real, accept my little notes at the ends of each one... Those um, well, are technically real, cause, their there, but like, I wrote those.... so yeah... ::laughs:: enjoy!)

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook." - I'm sure they will.

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." - Congratulations!

"Instrumental in ruining an entire Midwest chain operation." - Perhaps he meant running.

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job." - His favorite color paper must be pink...

"Finished eighth in my class of ten." - Sounds like homeschooling!

"Experienced supervisor, defective with both rookies and seasoned professionals." - Effective? Or is he really that bad?

"Please call me after 5:30. I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job." - Ahhh.... the beauties of self-employment...

"It's best for employers that I not work with people." - He's the cubicle type

"I’m extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability." - Job hopper!

"I Planned a new corporate facility at $3 million over budget." - ::claps:: Nice work! You should work for the government!

Personal Interests: "Donating blood. 14 gallons so far." - Anyone say.... vampire?

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984." - Wow, that is one education.


Monday, May 25, 2009

Church Typos..... Edit....edit....edit.....

This is to honor all those people who write things in church bulletins without fully proof-reading them, and or not truly thinking about what they were saying. Congratulations!

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD; Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.

We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

A worm welcome to all who have come today.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson's sermons.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

The ushers will come forward and take our ties and offerings.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.

Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Just Had To

Make sure to read the post before this one, but, this one I just had to share -

Phobia: liticaphobia

Fear of: lawsuits

::giggles:: nice.......

how to write good

now; for somme of you thi might bee hard for you to udnerstand. I havee hear a list of instrructoins on howe to right good. i turly do hope that these hellp u.

How to Write Good
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren't necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don't never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. The adverb always follows the verb.

39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.


P.S. Do any of you know how hard it is to write that badly? Wow... those first couple of sentences too me FOREVER. ::laughs:: Hope you liked these little tips, that um.... really kinda prove my point. :)

Friday, May 22, 2009

The World Just Keeps Getting Smarter!

Here's yet another fun little ditty of a story for ya'll to enjoy, straight from the BBC news service. :-)

German motorway strewn with notes ---

A man in Germany discovered the dangers of driving an open-top car when an envelope containing 23,000 euros (£20,600) blew off the back seat.
The notes rained down on the fast-moving motorway traffic behind him.
Police closed the road in both directions for half an hour to search for the missing money. All but 3,000 euros was recovered.
The man, 23, was test-driving an Audi convertible near Hanover, and the money was intended to pay for the car.
The police have warned the public against scavenging along the motorway for the missing notes, pointing out that it would be illegal to keep them.
And things could get even more expensive for the German test-driver. The police are considering charging him for the cost of the search.
The motorway closure caused long tailbacks in both directions.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

This is no joke.

Ok, so the title means that this news article is real. (Because it sounds unbelievable.) But seriously, this article is SO funny, and very much authentic. Enjoy!


THE strangest holiday complaints ever made by British tourists have been revealed, with hilarious results.

Thomas Cook and the Association of British Travel Agents compiled a list of the bizarre complaints -

It seems many British travelers aren’t used to beaches, with a tourist complaining that “the beach was too sandy” and another upset when they discovered fish swimming in the sea.

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled," the tourist said.

It seems some travelers also have a lot to learn about nature.
"I was bitten by a mosquito – no-one said they could bite," a holidaymaker complained.

In another complaint a British guest at a Novotel hotel in Australia said his soup was too thick and strong, not realizing he had been supping from the gravy boat.

Other complaints included “there are too many Spanish people in Spain” and “too much curry served in restaurants in India”.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


So, I found this news story a little while back. Please don't think I'm trying to dis Canada, that's not my intention whatsoever, but, I find this story extremely sad, and at the same time I get a kick out of reading just how dumb a person really can be. Enjoy!

We were told three years ago that the Saskatoon Health Region had written a policy on what to do with patients who show up at the emergency room even just minutes before City Hospital's part-time ER opens.
Apparently that bizarre little policy -- to call an ambulance -- applies even when the ER is open.

This week The StarPhoenix reported that when Saskatoon contractor Ken Olson informed City Hospital ER staff that a man in a hospital gown had collapsed just outside the door, rather than take steps to help the unfortunate soul or even see what was wrong, their first response was to phone 911.

That, according to Patti Simonar, director of emergency and critical care services for the health region, is standard procedure. Emergency Room personnel at City Hospital apparently aren't equipped to deal with an emergency.

There was no attempt on their part to assess the patient's condition, to get a gurney or back-brace to the scene, or even to rush out and triage the patient. That is an assessment apparently better handled by paramedics in an ambulance that's four to six minutes away, rather than by emergency doctors and nurses on hand whom most Saskatoon residents believed until now are trained to deal with medical emergencies.
This isn't the first time people at City Hospital's emergency department opted to call for help rather than offer their own expertise. In March 2006, Ron Bitz, in the midst of suffering a significant heart attack, showed up at the hospital's ER department 10 minutes before it was officially to open for the day.

He was made to cool his heels outside, with an ambulance crew working on him until the doors were unlocked. Ever since City Hospital stopped offering 24-hour emergency service, explained Dr. Paul Hayes, then medical director of emergency services for the health region, a policy had been put in place that would leave the off-hour triaging of such patients to a switchboard operator and security guards.

"We know that before 9 o'clock, you may not have all of the staff and support services you need to treat a life-threatening emergency at City Hospital," Deb Gudmundson, general manager of emergency services for the health region, told The SP at the time. While such a highly bureaucratic response might be reasonable in the middle of the night, when it's hours before someone qualified to deal with an emergency shows up to work at City Hospital and it's much quicker to rush a patient to one of Saskatoon's other two hospitals, Mr. Bitz showed up 10 minutes before the doors were opened.

But apparently flexibility and common sense haven't been incorporated into the health region's policies. Better to have someone suffer serious injury or death than to take responsibility for opening 10 minutes early.
As silly as that rationale was, the argument being put forward now is even weaker. We are told that emergency room personnel dare not pop their heads out their front doors to see what's happening with one of their patients for fear that it could result in some danger to staff or the patient. It's absurd enough that someone in that emergency department opted to dial 911 than do the logical thing. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment a bad decision can be made. And in this instance, the security officials who saw to the man's welfare were able to offer assistance.
According to Health Minister Don McMorris, the case also ended well in that the patient didn't suffer any serious health problems because of the decision.

What is more distressing, however, is Ms. Simonar's response that this irrational response is not only the policy in Saskatoon but reflects what's in place across Canada. To his credit, Mr. McMorris no sooner learned of the incident in City Hospital's ER than he contacted each of Saskatchewan's 12 health regions and asked that common sense be incorporated into their policies to ensure such a thing shouldn't happen again.

But whether the ministry will have any luck is still anyone's guess. After all, after Mr. Bitz's case came to light, then Health minister Len Taylor of the NDP government promised to review procedures to inject some humanity and common sense into the process of emergency evaluations.

This happened only after the Saskatchewan Party then in Opposition hammered the government daily over such shortcomings in the provincial health system. On Tuesday, it was NDP critic Judy Junor taking Mr. McMorris to task.

The government has established a commission to conduct a patients-first review of Saskatchewan's health-care system, with the view to address issues from the consumer's perspective.

Before that can be effective, however, there has to be a complete overhaul of the health region's communication strategy that ignores all logic in striving to justify the unjustifiable.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

What is wrong with this story?

Hello once again all! I have turned from the duldroms of poetry and punning and now believe that a little brain work wouldn't harm any of you too much. Ergo I have written this little alkaloid to see how smart you are. (Notice the word alkaloid - I seriously thought I just made that up. But it says it's a word. IT doesn't make any sense in that sentence but it sounds cool).

Anywho, I have written the story below and I would like you to read it and tell me what words do not fit. Now, this may seem weird at first, but, if you read you'll soon find out what I mean. Some of them fit, some of them just shouldn't be there. Good luck! (By the way, I think you'll really enjoy the point of my story.) :-)

Philip walked into his cozy little bedroom on the third floor of his parents’ home. He enjoyed sitting in his chair and watching bikers hit each other in the tiny street below. For some reason he was extremely fascinated by the prospect of two people unawares smashing into each other. His mother simply said that he had a “different” mind than most young boys of 15. Philip on the other hand just thought that physics was his area of specialty.

He sat down in his usual spot superciliously staring out the window. As his eyes glazed over he began timorously think about that question that popped into his head quite frequently, “Why do I stare out this window, waiting for bikers to hit each other, when, I’ve only seen it happen once?” He decided that today was a day of rest rather than tedious peering over the window sill waiting for nothing to happen. So, with this in mind he closed his eyes and fell asleep.

Two hours thirteen minutes and forty-eight seconds later he awoke, feeling refreshed and invigorated. Once again he took to the task of waiting for two bikers to collide. A volvo went down the street with a mother and her 6 year old child in it. Then a ford escape drove down with a dog’s little head peering out the back window. The chevy truck of yester-year was next as it bumped along the sublimely lucrative inerrant trail of a side street. He looked to his right and saw three little toddlers waltzing down the sidewalk with parents in train. They puffed their way down the iridescently lucrative walk with a will that surpassed all ambivalence. On the other side of the street was another teen-age boy just like Philip. Only, long-haired, dressed in black and wearing something of a banal-like hoodie. Whereas Philip had cacophony hair dithyramb jeans and nothing but a foppish t-shirt. So, in a way, Philip really looked in no way like the imbroglio teen from across the way.

Finally! It was here! One biker at one end of the loquacious block, and another biker at the opposite side. Here they were coming, as jousting juggernauts hurling themselves into destiny’s obstreperous palm. one hundred daring feet away... ninety... eighty... seventy... sixty... fifty... forty... thirty promulgating feet away... twenty... ten!!! Nine!!! Eight... seven... six... five... four... three... two... one!!!!!!...... and they pass as two ships in solicitous night...

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

More Book Titles......

Alright, tell me when you're bored with these. And I'll change it up a little bit. :)

No... seriously... tell me when you're tired of these...

A Great Plenty by E. Nuff

Achy Breaky Heart by Ann Guish

Ambulance Driving by Adam Muhway

Armed Heists by Robin Banks

Bedtime by P.J. Maws

Bring To The Grocer's by R. Listz

Chinese Apathy by Hu Carres

Daddy, Are We There Yet? by Miles Away

Do It Yourself by Tyrone Shoelace

Fish Story by Rod Enreel

Foot Coverings by Susan Socks

Greenhouse Flowers by Mary Golds

How To Read a Book by Paige Turner

Life Six Feet Under by Doug Graves

Little Bitty Froggies by Tad Polle

Hope you enjoyed!


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Book Titles 2!

Here we go again! :) Once again, hope I make you laugh. :)

Almost Missed The Bus by Justin Time

April Fool! by Sue Prize

Back Row Of The Orchestra by Clara Nett

Baseball Poetry by Homer

Be Prepared by Justin Case

Blowout! by Vlad Tire

Caulking Made Easy by Phil McKrevis

Crackdown by Lauren Order

Dive! Dive! by Perry Scope

Dull Razor by Nick Shaving

Equine Leg Cramps by Charlie Horse

Flips And Tumbles by Jim Nastics

Great Mysteries by Hugh Dunnit



Monday, May 11, 2009

Book Titles....

I figure since I've gone over puns quite a bit that maybe some book titles that are rather punny... or not so much... might make ya'll laugh a little bit.

Allegiance To The King by Neil Downe

Beach Blanket Bingo by Sandy Trunks

Clear Sky Forecast by Esau Starrs

Do You Hear a Phone? by Isabel Ringing

Falling Off A Bridge by Ilene Dover

Highway Travel by Dusty Rhodes

I Say So! by Frank O. Pinion

Just Say No by Will Power

Lazy Employees by Hans Doolittle

Making Explosives by Stan Wellback

Nice Hotels by Mary Ott

Out Of Breath by Ima Puffing

Parachuting by Hugo First

Shhh! by Danielle Soloud

The Excitement Of Trees by I. M. Board

To Be Honest by Frank Lee

Without Warning by Oliver Sudden

You're Kidding! by Shirley U. Jest

Hope you enjoyed!


They say laughter is so very good for you
Better even than that good ‘ole morning dew
Sweeter than the song of the lark
Thrusts away those thoughts in the dark

Opens the mind of the weary
Turns back the whines of the dreary
Helps heal the broken heart
And most certainly does its part

I felt a little poetry might be enjoyable. But, it could be a bad poem, so, you’ll have to decide for yourself. :-) Though... I just can’t end my post without some puns... :-)

The cowboy dismounted on the spur of the moment to stirrup some trouble, bridled at being arrested and saddled the sheriff with a bit of a problem.

I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.

It's a fact, taller people sleep longer in bed. (Trust me! It’s true! I’m over 6’!) :-)


Thursday, May 7, 2009


So, today I Went over the Safeway to return the pop bottles. My other objective was to get a bottle of hair gel. I've been "sharing" without asking with my bro for like.... a couple of months... ANYWHO.... :) I thought I'd get us both another bottle since his was about to run out. Well, turns out that Safeway lets me down once again.... :) (By the way, for those of you who don't know, I live about one city block away from Safeway and Walgreens, like, I can see Walgreens from where I'm sitting at my comptuer desk right now.... and it's on the bottom level of my house...) Back on track. So, the good ole say way to go didn't have what I was looking for... (sorry, had to insert that pun).

Because of this, I go over the walgreens. Hoping, just maybe hoping, that they've kept to the standards of men's style long enough for me to get some gel.

I walk in there. Go to the "Hair needs" isle. (Who names those isles anyway??? I mean, the blue box mac & cheese, the pasta roni, it's always in the "Rice and Beans" isle of EVERY store I go to! Who thinks of this stuff?) As I walk down the isle.... I see it.... "L.A. Looks Number 9 Mega Mega Extreme Hold"... and I'm like... what the heck? Mega, mega? Extreme?? Who thinks of this stuff??? So then I look to the right of that bottle, and see the, "L.A. looks, Sports Hold Number 10". And I think to myself, "AAaaaahhhh... much better. That's more like it." But then think... "Wait... what about this L'Oreal junk? Dave says it's way better than the colored stuff." I stand there, looking at my options. Suddenly feeling thrown into women's shoes and realizing that wow... I'm totally standing in a "Hair needs" isle at Walgreens, looking at gel, and trying to decide between which BRAND to use... I call Eric......yeah.... no kidding..... I really called my brother to talk to him about it...... :)

He and I discuss this VERY important matter for a moment. And I decided to stick with the L.A. looks. Just because the bottle is literally three times the size of the L'Oreal stuff. And it's $1.99 for that bottle, rather than the CRAZY price of $4.99 for the little bottle of the other brand. That, and it doesn't have the word, "Sport" on the label... No can do L'Oreal......

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

How long can I keep this up?

So... I suppose we'll see how long I can keep something like this up. ::laughs::

Here goes once again!---------->

A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.

Hope you liked them! If you happen to not... then... make sure to double knot! ::laughs::


Tuesday, May 5, 2009


You folks asked for more... here you go....

Let the punishment ensue.... And please... don't sue!!!! ::laughs::

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


you asked for it....


Latin Class......

So... I had Latin class this morning. Yeah... the one that starts at 6:30... yeah, that one. Anyhow, we translated this story from our textbook. The title was rather confusing....

Cyrus' dying words on immortality....

Wait... What the? So obviously the immortality part of this dude's life didn't work out so well... :)


Monday, May 4, 2009


My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.
- Adlai E. Stevenson Jr.

Granted, if he would still be living today, I would most likely not agree with all that he has said, or done. (Just read his biography). But, this quote is really intriguing. At first I was kind of like... Wait, I really agree with that. But then I thought about what he was really saying. Does, unpopular mean like, a criminal? Or does unpopular mean... a Christian? What is his definition of unpopular?

What do you think this quote means?


Saturday, May 2, 2009


Hello! I've officially decided that I have the BESTEST friends in the WHOLE world!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!! (yes, yes, you know who I'm talking about...) :-) Anywho, I LOVE MY FRIENDS!! You people are sooooo amazing! I can thank God every single day for the awesome friends that I have. ::sighs:: Hope to see you all again REAL soon!

P.S. if any of you are seeing this blog for the first time, cause, like.. um.. ::laughs:: inside joke, ANYWHO! If any of you are reading this for the first time, welcome! And enjoy my randomness. ::smiles:: Love ya!!!!

The Tramp's Holiday...

There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down.

Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."

"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe."

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."

"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp.

"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously.

She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.

"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."

"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"

A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.

"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.

"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"

"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."

So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.

"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.

"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."

The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!

First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.

Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on...

3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.

"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."

"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."

Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...

Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.

He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived...

... and what a dive...!

Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.

Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.

"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"

"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.

"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"

"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.

Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."

"Okay," agreed the tramp.

Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.

"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb...

up and up...

below him the ship grew smaller...

on and on...

past a solitary albatross...

and still higher...

till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...

and on still further...

/ till the ocean grew dim...

and the earth itself...

began to shrink...

past our moon...

and on...

and Mars...

and on...

higher, and higher...

through the asteroid belt...

and on and on towards the diving board...

past the outer planets, until...

on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...

he reached the board.

He climbed on top and radioed the captain...

and then...

.' '.
. .
. .
he jumped.
Slowly at first,
but speeding up,
faster, and faster,
speeding past Pluto,
and the other outer planets,





through the asteroid belt,

past Mars,

and the moon,


and faster,

faster - ever faster,

and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear,

faster, and faster,

past the albatross,

double-back somersault,

and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,

hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,

Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,

"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"

The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...

















Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.

Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.

Up and up, desperate, gasping...

Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.


And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.

"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen."

The tramp blushed.

The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."

And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see...

I'm a just poor tramp...

so you must understand...

I've been through many a hard ship in my life."

Friday, May 1, 2009


Now, I'm a pretty punny guy. I like to pun things. I like to make things phunny so to speak. Ergo, every time I hear someone say something I firstly see if I can make a pun out of it. Or make phun of him/her as the case may be. Well, ok, I don't ALWAYS do that. But if I'm in the right mood you might find yourself rolling on the floor from pain and agony because of my punishment... wait... so yeah! Here goes....

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Ok, I suppose that's enough. If ya'll want more I'd be perfectly willing to punish you further. Hope you enjoyed it, and maybe laughed a little.